As I sit here missing my children while they’re on their Summer vacay with their Dad, I had to realize that I needed to find a way to be happy. Like REALLY happy without them, because they are the reason I am able to smile amidst my life experiences on most days. Now, don’t get me wrong I love my babies, but a “Mommy-cation” was much needed. Single-parenting is hard work. Well anywho, during the past 4 weeks that they’ve been gone, I’ve had nothing but time to reflect, to think and write. It’s been so peaceful and humbling. God has revealed many things to me during this time. I had to tell myself, “Nikita, don’t let anything that happened in your past dictate how your future will play out. You need to be happy with yourself, you deserve it. Trust God and keep pushing forward”. Sometimes it takes for things to happen to you for you to re-prioritize your life.
I went to a young women’s ministry meeting last night and it was so empowering! I mean, these women were on fire for Christ, they inspired me to be more intentional with my worship and study time. One of the questions asked really had me thinking “Can God do what he wants to do in your life from where you are right now in your life?” “Are you in an uncommitted position?” Ouch! That really hit home for me. Am I doing what God wants of me at this point in my life? Or am I simply living and fulfilling my selfish desires hoping that he will bless me? Those are hard questions that I’ve had to ask myself. Well, one thing I’ve learned is that when God has a purpose for your life, he will let you do as you please but you will be very uncomfortable continuing in that thang. Whatever it is. He will allow you live your life how ever you want, but when you are called for his purpose things that you used to do will no longer “feel good”. The Holy Spirit will come in the midst and you’ll be like, “Whoa! What just happened??” Lol. No, but seriously it really does happen like that. And isn’t it funny that when you become intentional with wanting to be inline with his will for your life, the enemy fights you THAT much harder?! Things that you once thought you wanted in life will be beautifully presented to you, almost in a gift-wrapped box. So easily attainable and within arm’s reach. The temptation becomes realer than real and sometimes unfortunately you give in. But you know what? That’s ok! No one is perfect and we all fall short at times, God knows this. That’s why he sent his son to die for every sin that we will commit for the rest of our lives. Now, I want you to know that this does not give us the right to just go around being wreck less and intentionally doing wrong and then saying, “God knows my heart.” or “He knew what I was going to do that before I did it anyhow.” (I’m guilty of this as well, no judgement here) When we know better, we should do better! Trust me, this is a huge struggle for me, almost daily. I have learned that when you share your struggles with people, they appreciate that more than your attempt to show that you’ve got it all together. Because let’s be honest, everyone struggles with something. Rather it be drugs, alcohol, sex, cursing or anger issues. Everyone has a weakness, everyone. I am grateful however that I have a handful of friends and family members that will tell me the truth, no matter how blatant. And I know that I can share my problems and insecurities with them in confidence, being sure in the fact that it will not go beyond our telephone conversation to another ear. Everyone needs someone like that.
At this point in my 30’s I’ve had to be honest about some of the silly things I’ve done, but not dwell on them. My future is brighter than my past. I’m working my happiness like a full-time job. And it pays well!!