My adult life has been very interesting. 2 marriages, 2 divorces, 8 children that I have loved, a lot of singing endeavors that have turned into dead ends, a huge move to a new state and a WHOLE lot of God’s grace pretty much sums it all up! Yikes! I’m sure for my loved one’s it’s been a painful experience watching my life play out the way it has, but hey I’m still here to talk about it. Lol, seriously though… I’ve had some huge mountains to climb. Most of them due to my own poor choices, some not. But all in all God is still good!
I grew up in the church. I remember always being there for one reason or another. Sunday school and worship service on Sunday, Bible Study on Wednesday, vacation Bible school, Choir Rehearsals, C.L.O.T (Christian Leaders Of Tomorrow) throughout the week.. My sisters and I were ALWAYS there! My Father made sure we had a strong foundation rooted in the church. He also lead prayer every morning with us, countless bible studies in our home and we couldn’t even go places with our friends without first reading our Bibles and giving a “book report” first lol. Man, I remember being like, “Dang, does it really take all of that Daddy?” It did. And I’m glad he laid the foundation, I’d need it later. He later became a Minister, but he’d been preaching our entire lives. I’m so proud to be his daughter.
Fast forward to my adult life, I always thought that being busy in church equated to serving AND having a relationship with God. Why would I need to connect through prayer, devotion, and worship with him daily if he saw me serving him at church all the time. That was enough right? No. I remember a time when I served in the youth ministry, Nurses ministry, Helped in the Nursery, was on the Praise and Worship team, in a gospel Group and somehow managed to even have a social life. But I had no personal prayer life. Other than emergency prayers and such or an occasional “Thank you Jesus for giving me ____” prayers. I thought that my Father’s relationship with God was enough to carry me through life; I didn’t really know him for myself. I believed that I could always go to my Father with my problems and all would be ok. But he always gave his earthly Father advice, prayed for me , guided me back to the scriptures and encouraged me to develop a relationship with God as well. I was spiritually bankrupt with no withdrawals available because the deposits of my own faith and praise were very minimal. No devotions were being read. My Bible was taken to church and then set on my dresser, unopened until the next Sunday. No witnessing was being done. Actually, there was a time that I was ashamed to share of his goodness because I didn’t want to be labeled a “church girl” SMH! Now, I wear Woman of God and Daughter of the King proudly because I know who I am in him and who he has been to me.
Anywho, I said all of that to say that it wasn’t until I became still and stopped doing all the busy work that I truly experienced the unfailing love of Christ and my relationship with him flourished. Unfortunately for me, it took for life to hit me REALLY hard for me to realize why I needed him as a part of my daily routine. When there was no longer a husband, a Church that I had strong family ties with, no more gospel group singing or anything else of the sort. I was able to hear his voice, loud and very clearly! Some days, I cried and prayed.. And some days I just cried and those were my prayers. It happened within the past 6 months or so honestly. When I was all alone. Listen, God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and I finally know what that means. As afraid of being alone as I was, he knew that this was exactly were I needed to be in order to hear him. (Refer to my earlier post “Restoring what the locust has stolen”)
When I slowed down, I realized that in this season all I needed to do was saturate my heart daily in his word and trust him. That’s it. All else would fall in place, and it has! Because I am no longer “busy for God” it has allowed me to spend more time with my children, and have bible study and devotion with them. Have in depth conversations with them (they are VERY deep btw, Lol) Connect with the people who mean the most to me. Engage with my patients and co-workers more. And most importantly, have a more balanced prayer life and intentional relationship with God. I have chosen to share more transparently of the things I’ve had to overcome with his help though this blog and my social media platforms… All from my home! Well mainly my bed, but you get my point LOL! And that alone has been more rewarding than any amount of me singing in front of audiences, doing stuff in the church or anything else that I’ve ever done. I’m sure there will come a time that I will return to serving in that manner, but for now I’ll just sit before him and wait. Recently, I’ve had SO many healing conversations with my co-workers, friends, family and FB friends than I can count. It’s amazing how you can have your own plans and God will wreck them to remind you that HE is in control. Now, of course I still go through things and there are times that I still want to run home and get a huge hug from my Dad to know that everything is going to be ok.. But now more than ever, Psalms 46:10 rings true, “Be still and know that I am God.” I hope this helps someone to know not to ever give up. Keep praying, get to know God and let Him work the rest out.