Today a I found a gem of a song called “Cycles” by Jonathan McReynolds (click here to listen) 👇🏽
“Didn’t I conquer this? Last year? Tell me what I missed. Because I fear it’s coming back again… help me in these cycles” are the opening lines.
The song is speaking about spiritual attacks from the devil, albeit possibly true, I chose to look at it in a complete life aerial view. The cycles in life. The habits we have. Physical, spiritual, emotional.
If you’ve followed me for a while or know me, you know that I have anxiety and depression. I am not ashamed to say this, because it has become a part of who I am. I have it, so I must handle it.
One of the things that I do to manage this is having a self-care routine. However, in addition to being a person that encourages having good self care, I am also terrible at it at times. *gasp* Yes I am. I know what works for me when I get overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or exhausted from too much “people-ing”, but sometimes I just get off track and, self-care doesn’t happen as often as it should. For me, music therapy, resting my body, writing, self-reflection & painting help me most. They all re-charge and center me. But lately? Lately I haven’t done them as much. Busyness is getting the best of me, and it’s winning.
I used to be a people pleaser, like really. I would say “yes” to everything while my brain was screaming “NOOOOO!” Then I’d do something, complain afterward, only to do something of the same nature yet again. Then LIFE happened, and I realized that I was no good to anyone else if I was not first GREAT to myself, which sometimes that included a “no”. I may have disappointed others, or even angered them, BUT the boundaries were being built brick by brick. Choice by choice. This is not selfish, in fact, it can be the best form of self-love one could have.
Boundaries are good. Boundaries are healthy. They are gate-keepers to our soul’s peace.
I have a cycle: I do really good self-care, I feel great, I get comfortable.. then I get overwhelmed again and self-care goes bye-bye. Wash, rinse & repeat and you have a stressed out me. I feel it, my family feels it, & it’s no fun.
Ever so often, I find my seat back to the end of this “cycle”. And then I come to the end of myself and I’m tearful, irritable and exhausted. Then I say, “AHA!! When is the last time I did ______ alone? When is the last time I was still and just listened for God’s voice in the midst of chaos? When? When?” Hmmmm. Most times, it’s been a while, sometimes a long while.
Today was one of those days. But today, I stopped and Thanked God for the song he led me to. “Cycles”. And this cycle won’t get the best of me, because I know what to do.
And I’m gonna do it.