You read it right. I’m a divorcee, yep. Again.
Wait. Am I really writing this? Out loud? Publicly?
Ah yeah. I’m doing it. I didn’t start this blog to write about nicety-nice things. But not just for me, for the woman that is just as confused, sad, tired, shamed or (seemingly) defeated, & sometimes joyful as I am.
I told myself that I WOULDN’T do this. You know, share what’s really been going on with me lately. But as per usual, God be like, “Nikki what did I say? Tell em how I’m working in this situation, mmkay?!” *face palm*
Listen, I know you didn’t think you’d be here, not again. Neither did I, but, yeah. Divorce has a way of shifting your entire world. Over & over, day-to-day. One day you’re like, “yep this is what was best for me, him & the kiddos”. Then later that same day, you’re like, “for real grief?! You just gone come & ruin my girls night in huh?. Rude, so, so very rude.
But guess what, that’s what happens, it’s life. But if you’re lucky, you’ll have understanding friends like me that will let you grieve between sips of Rose’… and then make you laugh. (Shout out to my BIP girls, I luh y’all for real 😘)
Anywho, lets talk about the days that you have to “hide-cry” as I call it. You know, when you HAVE to listen to your daughter talk about middle school drama, leave work early to head to your son’s football game, comfort your patient’s, cook dinner, turn around after being home for 45 minutes to get your teenage daughter from work.. while nursing a migraine. And then grief is like, “hol’ up, we need to talk girl, I know it’s not the best time, but I got something to say. Let’s step in the bathroom for 5 minutes”. 🤦🏽♀️
Me-“Damn! Right now?! I ain’t got time for this, nuh-uh girl.”
Grief-“Well ok, if you don’t fit me in right now, I’ll just come back when you’re in your team work meeting, your choice”. 🤷🏽♀️
Me-“Come on, ughhhh”. *closes door*
Now that’s the comical scenario, but really, it be like that. Just like that. Minus the eye rolls & sarcasm.
So, today. This happened. Well not just like this-but it happened. I started some paintings last night (finally 👏🏽) I slept well, the kids weren’t acting a fool this morning, & I was nestled next to my fire place, sipping my morning coffee… then Grief was like, “hey what’s up? You feeling good today? Oh, perfect! I’m coming to see you today girl”.
It is interesting to me, that we as women (most times) are so adept to supporting, uplifting, & comforting our friends when something life-altering happens. But in the same vein, are so very afraid to share how we ourselves are working through our own despairs.. while we’re going through them.
Because spiritual shame.
Because damn girl.
Just do it.
Because we are taught that love, commitment & marriage is THEE goal in life.
When in fact, it isn’t. It’s a nice addition to our lives. Sometimes a very nice one. But sometimes, sometimes it’s a very hard life lesson, that we don’t learn until we’ve been “struggle-loved” & “God sends his hardest battles to the strongest couples + (people)” to death.
And then it’s too late, too late into the situation that we realized that the “battle” was really toxic-love + codependency with a side of fear + loneliness. Boom, the perfect triad for divorce (if you’re lucky enough to figure it out).
I am in this weird place of belonging & not. I have married friends + kids. I have single friends with + without kids that are not divorcees & I have divorced friends with no children. It’s weird, to find a new place to fit in. So my introvert hibernation has been in overdrive. And I’m learning to accept that.
So, today I’m sad. I’m sad that it took this long to realize that history does not equal healthy. I’m sad that I have to go through this.. again. My children too. I’m sad about anticipated sadness, the anxiety + fear of the unknown. I’m sad about the reality that my children will not have their Mother + Father in the home as I did growing up. & the fact that 20+ years of friendship couldn’t save us.
But just the same, I am hopeful in knowing that my daughters will know that, if something (anything) doesn’t serve them, it is perfectly ok and healthy to leave it alone. I am hopeful that my son will know that your first love doesn’t have to be your forever love. I am hopeful to know that my kids will look to situations realistically & not live in the Disney movies forever. & the resilience that they show me daily lets me know that it’s all for good. I am hopeful that all will be ok when this season passes. & even if not, that’s ok too. But until then I am leaning into it. As uncomfortable as it may be, as emotional as it may be, as delightfully free it may be some days; as dark as it may be on others.
I’m walking through it, & I’m grateful for those who are walking beside me.
P.S.-this is the realist ish I ever wrote. Just know that.