Chemo, peace & vulnerability. A tale of Superman’s journey

day #1 post chemo #2 + Superman is resting. today is good, unlike the last session. which he said himself it would be.

I share pics + writings of my husband on this journey, because I am honest, an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit. & he doesn’t mind + he respects how I express myself, too.

also, because there isn’t enough talk about #blackmen being vulnerable to the love from their women-and still remaining masculine to protect. he covers me; I cover him. and therefore I speak on it.

love is so many things. so many. it doesn’t always look like physically doing something for someone, it can also be gazing upon his peaceful rest, counting his breaths and doing nothing but that-like today.

with all that happens in this world, and the insensitivity that surfaces because of it, I am grateful to be one of the few that stays quiet enough to listen to what people aren’t saying.

-Nik ❤️

Chemo, rainbows + oatmeal… a tale of Superman’s journey.

My Husband has cancer.

Now that’s out the way. Let me expound about how I feel about this-only to be understood, not receive sympathy.

It’s quiet in my home. Besides the bacon I’m cooking, it’s quiet. Very. No laughing from a early morning convo with him, no banter from his timeline viewing of social media, like the morning paper. Just quiet. Because Superman is sleeping. Peacefully, I must say.

Yesterday at this time we were laughing, joyfully as the chemo meds drip-dropped into his port. It didn’t seem to faze him at all.. good! As he laughed with the nurse about their favorite football teams, I smiled reveling at his strength. He even flirted with me, like normal, good this is normal. There was even another patient that came over and asked to pray with him. “Draw close to GOD Charles”, he said. Nice. We even went shopping after we left the hospital, and then he played fetch with the dog upon returning home, like usual, of course.

But then, then as he nestled next to my bosom, normal was no more. He tossed, and tossed and winced some too. Pain in his stomach, and rolls from the nausea enter into the picture now. Uh-oh, this is it Nikki. It’s time to be the Nurse that’s his Wife, too. You remember how to take care of a patient, right? 5 years isn’t that long ago. Come on, girl-you’ve got this. Breathe.

A cold towel, for the night sweats, a nausea med for his stomach. And then another. Wait, we need cold water too.. oh he doesn’t want that. Hmm, then turn the fan on because he’s hot, right? No, he’s cold 5 minutes later.. can’t do that. Breathe Nikki, breathe, you’ve got this. Incoming text: “hey girl, how are you all doing?” We’re good 😊.. *pause* and then another and another.. and several hundred notifications too. And a call from my Mom.

Hold up, a funny video-yay! I smile, *he tosses* “you good babe?” *he moans, yeah-no. This sucks”. Me: “I know love, what can I do?” Him: “nothing”.

Sigh.

8 hours straight of “criminal minds” in the background.. trying to distract, yet stay focused.. didn’t help much-because my favorite person is sick and all that I know as a nurse is not helping.. or is it? Idk. We will see. Tomorrow. Today? Hopefully.

Ok, it’s 10pm. Let’s sleep. Distractions off. Quiet my mind, please GOD do it.

245 am, I awake. I turn to view his chocolate skin in the midnight light peering from my window. Is that sweat on his brow? It is. Oh snap, he’s having night sweats.. they said this would happen. I’m up to get a cold towel; he’s up to use the restroom.

Oh.

“Put it back on your head before you lie down” I say, “and drink this cold water too”. He complies. “You think I should stay home today with you?” I ponder. Him: *shrugs* “ok, I’m staying”.

All of this may sound scary, sad or even daunting. But for me, it’s just a realistic view of what I signed up for. I want this. Because this is what real love looks like. Midnight hands laying + praying on my partner. Standing in the gap, taking it all in, attending appointments, wiping his brow, picking up meds and removing the cover in the midnight so he won’t overheat.

After 20 hours of no appetite + 15 hours of sleep. I cooked him some oatmeal, praying that he would eat it. And then an ensure smoothie if that doesn’t work. I leaned on the sink as I waited and looked up to see a rainbow form on the cabinet. Yes, sure it’s from the chandelier hanging, but I’ve never seen it before now. So that’s my sign that all is well. And also. GOD sees + knows. Even when I don’t.

Day #1.

Nikki