It’s #worldmentalhealthday and I can honestly say that I don’t get on these free apps and front anymore. Because, for why? I do get sad when I see people that (still) do this, but I also understand that I had to walk down my own journey to this place of introspection, too. So, take your time.
I loathe social media, actually. And by loathe I mean, it can be a great tool to network, keep up with your friends & family.. or do business. Mine was basically birthed & sustained because of the power in it, so it I am forever grateful. BUT If I’m honest, I wish we could return to the days that unless we had actual conversations with our people, we knew nothing more about their personal lives besides what their favorite song and html code they chose for their background on MySpace was. Those that know, know. And might I add, I’m still low key sad that we can’t design our own Facebook pages, but I digress.
Anywho, rather we’d like to admit it or not, social media is a staple of this generation.. and (unfortunately) it’s here to stay. Just about everywhere you go has a QR code that links to their newest website spotlight or business’ Instagram feed that will reel you in to the never-ending loop of constant content to scroll for hours. It perpetually has caused us to live our lives on public display while scrolling away + performing for people that most likely don’t truly know us (or maybe even like us 🙃) in real life— & at times those same people are barely hanging on to their own self-identity.
When I do scroll on Facebook in particular, I often see women that only identify as someone’s mother, wife, _____ career person in their bio or page. And the most sad part about all of that is: that was once me as well. So I be knowin’.
I do understand that children need to be raised, careers built, food cooked, etc.. however I must ask, when was the last time that you took time to watch a butterfly land on a flower petal or played your favorite record while sipping a glass of Rose’? Who are you without all of those adjectives that seemingly describe your existence? Your titles per se, who are you at your core? If it were not for the accolades and/or introductory phrase such as “______’s Mom” would you know how to describe yourself during an ice breaker?
These are deeply uncomfortable questions to ask yourself, especially when you’re in the midst of changing diapers or being a personal Uber driver for your teenage people with whom you share a home with. But truly, can you answer that?
After I divorced the Father of my children, I made up my mind that I would not be the 45-year old woman that becomes an empty-nester—and didn’t know who NIKITA was. I had become a Mother before I technically was one; had spent plenty of my youngest years attempting to be everything to the family inside & outside of my home. Then suddenly, I looked up and had no idea what I truly enjoyed about myself. & Believe it or not, at age 28 someone literally referred to me as, “the little old lady in the shoe”—and it stuck with me, even to this day.
I do understand that rearing children and being a traditional woman/wife is truly what some women desire, however I pose this question: are you truly happy? I ask with the highest level of respect, because my timeline is filled with lots of married Mothers with sad smiles; my heart aches for them.
At 41 years old, I look younger than I did when my children were small because I have discovered what makes me smile + sustainably keeps me happy—and I do those things, as often as I can. I rest when I need to, and I take personal time to just BE. Whatever that is.
In the powerful words of Iyanla Vanzant, “what’s in the cup is for me, and what comes out of the cup is for y’all”. Basically, you can only be as good to others as you are to yourself. So on this day, in the name of self-care + balance ask yourself honestly, “am I filling my cup completely first before I pour what I am creating in my pot for others?”
If your answer wasn’t a “hell yea”, I pray you give yourself all the grace and find the courage to tell the people that love you that you need to do this, to be your best self.
Love & hugs,
—Nik ❤️
Nikita Vonee’s Blog 