I had a patient that started to tell me how she really felt about the current pandemic, but mid-sentence she stopped herself and said, “let me not complain because someone has it worse than I do.”
I then said to her, “you know I am a believer that there is nothing wrong with speaking truthfully about your feelings, and not always mentioning how to just be grateful-because it could be worse.”
She agreed really quickly, and then in the same breath said, “yeah but I was taught to always be grateful, so I’m not going to complain”. And I believe this is how you learn to diminish your feelings at the expense of thinking that it will not be received well from others. Self shame.
Much like people do in religion.
Much like people do with toxic positivity.
Much like people do while going through traumatic situations.
Much like people do when they are sick.
Because someone taught them to be this way.
And that is heartbreaking to me.
This pandemic is opening my eyes & soul to so many things. People are more easily offended and vocal online.. simply because “we all have time today”. I see people unable to enjoy the familiarity of things of old, family gatherings; happy hour drinks with friends. Co-parents still disagreeing-maybe even more so because some are not following safety orders, teachers missing the only “children” they know on this side of heaven. Senior students missing milestone events while adults share photos of themselves while simultaneously shoving devastating realizations that things wont happen as they thought… in the name of “support”. Panic stricken hoarding by way of “being prepared”, unconscious cross contamination and people avoiding eye contact in the produce aisle
and/or donning cold-stares over top skillfully crafted masks, because you are not wearing one, too.
For some, domestic calls for help have increased, because the safest places that they escaped to daily are now closed-some of them indefinitely.
For me, the truth is, I will not get to witness my Husband ringing the bell to signify his very last session of chemo next week, my son can not perform in his very anticipated spring musical, my youngest daughter can not exert her energy through dancing with her team, and my oldest peers through the make-shift plexi glass when you enter her line at the most-sought-out new hangout spot, AKA the grocery store.. while you don’t even flash a kind smile.
This sucks-if I do say so myself. So time out for everyone ALWAYS being so positive.
I have learned to be so introspective + search the depths of my life stories.. that sometimes I’m as deep as the ocean and other times as light as the sun. But that’s OK, because I was made to love both. I am also teaching and gifting myself grace to allow those true feelings to come & pass if they so choose. But I always lean in and feel that shit. And I make sure to use my words, like “shit” because I am being my truly authentic and most honest self. If you are offended, that is a personal issue that you must take up with yourself. Because these are my truths.. And that is one of the most important lessons that living & healing out loud has taught me.
My question to you is, who taught you how to always save face and bury your tears to make another smile? Will you suffer a short while of uncomfortable emotions, to be free of their judgment?
Questions that need answers.
Hugs,
Nik ❤️
Nikita Vonee’s Blog 