Allowing the easy life to find me

When people have told me that I am aging backwards, I would jokingly say, “put some respect on this wisdom because I don’t wanna go back there.” But now I am sitting here thinking about the power in what has been said with that.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much emotional pain you have harbored, until you no longer wear it on your face. And even if others have seen it long before you, it may take awhile until you give yourself the permission to truly accept that.

I have more peace now in my life than I ever have, I have more joy + abundance, and interestingly it’s because I am no longer stressing myself with the hustle + grind mentality in the name of being “successful” in life + love. I just let myself, be.

I am my business; I am my brand. I am also a woman & a Mother, too. And I have to take care of me, first. And then allow the rest to come as it may. I will write more books and create more paintings, when I feel energetically + creatively ready. Authentically.

I am consistently allowing myself to feel all of my feelings that have come with life, motherhood, love + entrepreneurship.. rather good or even challenging. And I rest when I need it, too. Every thing has to align with my soul now. And I must say, I’m very proud of my journey this far.

I am getting more rest, believe it or not lol. I have at times struggled with letting things, “be”, but for the most part; I am learning to no longer allow things to eat me up, and wait to speak up in the midnight hour.

I have allowed people to leave my life, I have deepened connections with old friends + am more open to letting new ones flourish. Which is super huge for me. I have released both things & people to go when it was time, & am continuing to meet peace + ease where I am.

All this to say, my gifts are making room for me + my tribe is being aligned. My intuition is poppin’, my spirit is glowing + God always be knowin’! & I love all of this for me.

Nik 💛

Friendship hurt, hurts the deepest

Looking through my FB memories today; I thought about how some people tend to act like friendship breakups don’t bother them. That’s not true, for me.

I wasn’t even going to type this out, but I also realize that writing + sharing is a therapeutic tool for me, still.

You may read people’s post about “letting toxic friends go” and “they’re no longer for me”..etc. And yet, they truly don’t talk about the process of working through the emotions until you find the peace in that, even if it is true. Like, it hurts, until it doesn’t anymore. Much like a relationship; I even wrote about it in my book.

While I’ve been in therapy, I have come to realize two important things: sometimes things can be my fault and it may take me a while to be accountable about that, and also, sometimes people can be at fault—while also being unwilling to have honest conversation about how they’ve hurt you. They may even lack the tools to do so.

Anywho, I could easily say that when communication fails that time can be the answer to having THE conversation, but I’ve debunked that theory as well. Both pride & being too forgiving are equally demolishing travesties of the same coin that once connected two people together. At times, separation IS the answer. You just have to take your time working through the muck of it all, until you get free—emotionally.

All relationships require honesty + emotional safeness. one or the other will not do.

As I’ve said before, “sometimes things shatter so greatly, that they are best left apart”. And that applies to friendships, too. Because most times, those hurt the deepest.

with love,

—Nik ❤️

hustle & grind culture + vulnerability got me here, and I hate it.

I heard something the other day, “transparency is being honest about what you are going through, and vulnerability is sharing how you felt going through it”. And all I could say is, “wow”.

Being a creative can sometimes put you at a crossroads of, “do I write/create and share because I FEEL like I want to? Or do I share what I’m creating because I think PEOPLE are entitled to still follow my journey no matter how I feel?” At this point, I’m choosing the former, because anything else feels like a pressured performance.

I have a real question: where would you really be in life without social media? Would you be further along in your self discovery journey? Figuring life out without the distraction of what someone else is doing? Would you be worse off in your mental wellness? Or better? Are we really being intentional about the things that we feed our spirit with? Or are we literally scrolling our lives away in comparison to someone else’s very curated online journey? Are we being our authentic selves, or merely mirrors of what we see others doing/being online?

It can be hard to decipher when our daily habits include incessantly moving our thumbs across the 6 inch screen while drinking our morning coffee or in the grocery check out line. Unconsciously taking in hundreds of bits of information before we’ve even allowed ourselves to be conscious of what we already knew from the day before. A literal reel of events that may sometimes never seem to end, because we’re picking up from where we left off the night before where we scrolled until we tired.

Some of us need to be connected to promote and accept business for our “brand”—but at what time is the break allowed without missing business opportunities or purchase? “Hustle & Grind culture” pushes this agenda of “get the bag at all times”; and to that I say, “hell nah.” With no other explanation. BUT if you are a “one-woman-show I.E. an-overly-independent-person-that-is-afraid-that-no one-else-will-do-it-right”. What happens then? Humph, what a conundrum.

Recently I caught up with a friend at my studio, and she told me that she had been off of social media for close to four years. We literally had to exchange photos of our children by email. And it reminded me how we take for granted that sometimes not sharing the sacred things in our lives online—for public consumption, can be very helpful to our overall well-being. And I really admire people that do that so well. Especially those that actually enjoy social media, but often take extended breaks.

We have watched people live their lives in front of us on display for many years, as evidenced by our Facebook memories. Sometimes we think that we really know people or their children, just by watching them in a state of voyeurism for years. And most times we think that we are entitled to continue to know people’s ins and outs of their daily lives and their relationships, too. Even when they choose to no longer share it.

For this reason, I have changed my thoughts about “transparency” when it comes to this, because at the end of the day, it can walk the fine border line of over-sharing. And there is always a cost to that. Even if you can write an entire book that encapsulates it. Because sometimes things are just for you.

I love being a creative. I enjoy my life. But I won’t lie, sometimes my belief that GOD’s sense of humor + unmatched life lessons cause me to seriously believe that someone had a personal vendetta from my former life. Anywho, I’ve shared online about these experiences for over 10 years; the ups, downs & plateaus too. I love that people have resonated with my words; I appreciate all of times they’ve shared about the impact—-but for now I’m taking a break from it all until I’m ready to share again… and when I do, it will be to a different tune.

—Ya girl Nik ❤️

Wading in the unknown to find your true self

I have been told on several occasions, “you always land gracefully on your feet” even from people that are close to me. If gracefully landing is defined by falling forward, becoming a emotional contortionist, being pushed backward and then standing in the uncomfortable truth of the reality of it all before landing one toe at a time, then ok cool—-I land “gracefully”. Have I cared what people thought at times? Absolutely. Am I continuously working to not give energy to those thoughts? Absolutely.

I have a tendency to not share what is really happening in the background at the time that things are happening; I have just “figured it out”. I used to have a go-to response when asked how I really was, “I’m not ok, but I will be”.. and not expounding on much else. Maybe it was my honest attempt at having boundaries or even feeling the need to think it all the way through on my own so that I could even articulate what I felt. But really I actually relied on self-soothing and overly-intellectualizing my emotions until they “made sense” instead of allowing myself to really feel them AND to be supported by my loved ones in the process. With years of therapy, I’ve learned this is a trauma response.

I love people that love freely. People that have jumped over adverse situations, sometimes outside of their control (or even sometimes consequentially due to their own decisions) and have crossed over insurmountable obstacles, irrespective of the glares of judgment, while continuing to discover how things will work for them.. even when the plan is unclear. And somehow they still share the outcome—eventually. I love people like me, that keep going and show up authentically.

I think that there are so many people that are afraid to choose themselves, over what “looks right” that they judge the very people that are doing just that. The people that truly are living for their own happiness and best interest.

At times, even the people that love us will judge us, because they can not see outside of their own experience of shame.

I will tell you from experience, anytime that you allow yourself to be complacent in a situation only because you are afraid of the challenge of finding out what may happen on the other side of that, and because of the fear of what it may take to get there—you are holding yourself in bondage to people’s opinion of your life. And that’s no way to live.

There is only so much masking that you can do until one day you look in the mirror and do not recognize your own reflection. Every single connection that we allow is a reflection of our self-identify and esteem in that moment of our lives. I do not discount any person that has come into my life at anytime, I honor their existence because they were a part of my journey and they let me know how I felt about myself. So everyone has had value. At times when growth had to occur, rather I felt I needed it at the time or not—something happened either on their behalf or mine that caused them to be removed from my immediate presence. Some say coincidence, I say divine timing. Most times either of us may have been upset, even if it were in the best interest—it was still painful, yet necessary. There were times it was an ugly separation, and at others a gentle release.

Sometimes when you share lessons publicly at the time that you are walking them through, you are open to people that subconsciously project their own doubt because their access to your lesson was prematurely given. Always ask for guidance and clarity from whatever source of higher power that you follow prior to doing so; they won’t lead you wrong. There are so many lessons that I’ve had in the background, especially in times when I didn’t think I needed to learn them. Some as a seemingly grown-yet rebellious teenager unwilling to listen and others as a wise ancestor beaming down with pride seeing my higher self. For that I am grateful. For that I am unashamed, because I am sure that they needed to occur just the way they did.

The work to get to a place of peace is a beautifully complicated mess of a journey, that may seem never-ending and sometimes like me—you may be living in real time while people watch in a voyeuristic state. That’s ok, because you are human. I believe that until you determine what truly works for you AND what does not, you will always project your fears on to others. The entitlement to think that you know what’s best for another person will always be astonishingly loud, so let them work through their process to determine it for themselves. That’s not to say that your support isn’t necessary, however the road to finding your path is a very personal space. And since we are constantly evolving beings, there will often be missteps along the way that may discourage your progress—keep walking anyhow. You’ll get there.

Always with love,

Nik ❤️

I had my first booking signing!

yesterday—my book signing was amazing! I am geeked for what’s to come next for me. I can’t even explain the emotion from the support that I received. I appreciate each & every single person that was present in that room; it was a very intimate and beautiful experience to say the least.

Now that I’ve had time to reflect and take it all in, I have realized that I truly needed to get out of my own way when it came to writing this book. I mean, for 7 years I have spoken about what “I was going to do” and for 7 years I stewed over it time and again. I’ve had people ask me, “what are you waiting on?” including my 91 year old Aunt on Facebook 🤣 yes, she really has a Facebook lol. Now that I have finally jumped over the hurdle of publishing my first book, I am immediately ready to write another! It was not easy by any means, but it’s almost like, now that I’ve done it in it’s entirety—I know what to expect and I’m ready, mmkay?!

Anywho, I have several podcast and magazine interviews lined up already, book club meetings, another book signing and *gasp* a locally owned bookstore meeting setup over the next couple of months.. like whoa. 😯 I am feeling overjoyed, excited and like, “OK, I’m really doing this!” today.

I have felt like my life has been aligning in SO many ways as of late.. but there were certain areas that still no longer belonged—and they have eliminated themselves. GOD I see you & you always be knowin’ what’s best for ya girl.. even when I’m like, um excuse me Sir… did you mean to do this?! 😩🙌🏽

Thank you to all of the folks that have supported me this far in my journey, with good intention. I appreciate you all immensely. Conversely, I also know that I have blocked the view of others seeing what it truly means to walk these painful life stories through, because in the past I’ve only shared experiences transparently in a selective way. But time out for all-a-dat because that’s not how I want to help women.

New levels, new truth!

As I said yesterday, my heart has been in places that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy of a woman—because no one deserves to be in those places. So, I vow to share authentically and if one woman can close my book, shed some tears and turn away from whatever is harming her, it is well.

Purchase your copy of Oceans + Heavens here http://nikitavonee.com

Nik ❤️

Chemo, rainbows + oatmeal… a tale of Superman’s journey.

My Husband has cancer.

Now that’s out the way. Let me expound about how I feel about this-only to be understood, not receive sympathy.

It’s quiet in my home. Besides the bacon I’m cooking, it’s quiet. Very. No laughing from a early morning convo with him, no banter from his timeline viewing of social media, like the morning paper. Just quiet. Because Superman is sleeping. Peacefully, I must say.

Yesterday at this time we were laughing, joyfully as the chemo meds drip-dropped into his port. It didn’t seem to faze him at all.. good! As he laughed with the nurse about their favorite football teams, I smiled reveling at his strength. He even flirted with me, like normal, good this is normal. There was even another patient that came over and asked to pray with him. “Draw close to GOD Charles”, he said. Nice. We even went shopping after we left the hospital, and then he played fetch with the dog upon returning home, like usual, of course.

But then, then as he nestled next to my bosom, normal was no more. He tossed, and tossed and winced some too. Pain in his stomach, and rolls from the nausea enter into the picture now. Uh-oh, this is it Nikki. It’s time to be the Nurse that’s his Wife, too. You remember how to take care of a patient, right? 5 years isn’t that long ago. Come on, girl-you’ve got this. Breathe.

A cold towel, for the night sweats, a nausea med for his stomach. And then another. Wait, we need cold water too.. oh he doesn’t want that. Hmm, then turn the fan on because he’s hot, right? No, he’s cold 5 minutes later.. can’t do that. Breathe Nikki, breathe, you’ve got this. Incoming text: “hey girl, how are you all doing?” We’re good 😊.. *pause* and then another and another.. and several hundred notifications too. And a call from my Mom.

Hold up, a funny video-yay! I smile, *he tosses* “you good babe?” *he moans, yeah-no. This sucks”. Me: “I know love, what can I do?” Him: “nothing”.

Sigh.

8 hours straight of “criminal minds” in the background.. trying to distract, yet stay focused.. didn’t help much-because my favorite person is sick and all that I know as a nurse is not helping.. or is it? Idk. We will see. Tomorrow. Today? Hopefully.

Ok, it’s 10pm. Let’s sleep. Distractions off. Quiet my mind, please GOD do it.

245 am, I awake. I turn to view his chocolate skin in the midnight light peering from my window. Is that sweat on his brow? It is. Oh snap, he’s having night sweats.. they said this would happen. I’m up to get a cold towel; he’s up to use the restroom.

Oh.

“Put it back on your head before you lie down” I say, “and drink this cold water too”. He complies. “You think I should stay home today with you?” I ponder. Him: *shrugs* “ok, I’m staying”.

All of this may sound scary, sad or even daunting. But for me, it’s just a realistic view of what I signed up for. I want this. Because this is what real love looks like. Midnight hands laying + praying on my partner. Standing in the gap, taking it all in, attending appointments, wiping his brow, picking up meds and removing the cover in the midnight so he won’t overheat.

After 20 hours of no appetite + 15 hours of sleep. I cooked him some oatmeal, praying that he would eat it. And then an ensure smoothie if that doesn’t work. I leaned on the sink as I waited and looked up to see a rainbow form on the cabinet. Yes, sure it’s from the chandelier hanging, but I’ve never seen it before now. So that’s my sign that all is well. And also. GOD sees + knows. Even when I don’t.

Day #1.

Nikki