I have been told on several occasions, “you always land gracefully on your feet” even from people that are close to me. If gracefully landing is defined by falling forward, becoming a emotional contortionist, being pushed backward and then standing in the uncomfortable truth of the reality of it all before landing one toe at a time, then ok cool—-I land “gracefully”. Have I cared what people thought at times? Absolutely. Am I continuously working to not give energy to those thoughts? Absolutely.
I have a tendency to not share what is really happening in the background at the time that things are happening; I have just “figured it out”. I used to have a go-to response when asked how I really was, “I’m not ok, but I will be”.. and not expounding on much else. Maybe it was my honest attempt at having boundaries or even feeling the need to think it all the way through on my own so that I could even articulate what I felt. But really I actually relied on self-soothing and overly-intellectualizing my emotions until they “made sense” instead of allowing myself to really feel them AND to be supported by my loved ones in the process. With years of therapy, I’ve learned this is a trauma response.
I love people that love freely. People that have jumped over adverse situations, sometimes outside of their control (or even sometimes consequentially due to their own decisions) and have crossed over insurmountable obstacles, irrespective of the glares of judgment, while continuing to discover how things will work for them.. even when the plan is unclear. And somehow they still share the outcome—eventually. I love people like me, that keep going and show up authentically.
I think that there are so many people that are afraid to choose themselves, over what “looks right” that they judge the very people that are doing just that. The people that truly are living for their own happiness and best interest.
At times, even the people that love us will judge us, because they can not see outside of their own experience of shame.
I will tell you from experience, anytime that you allow yourself to be complacent in a situation only because you are afraid of the challenge of finding out what may happen on the other side of that, and because of the fear of what it may take to get there—you are holding yourself in bondage to people’s opinion of your life. And that’s no way to live.
There is only so much masking that you can do until one day you look in the mirror and do not recognize your own reflection. Every single connection that we allow is a reflection of our self-identify and esteem in that moment of our lives. I do not discount any person that has come into my life at anytime, I honor their existence because they were a part of my journey and they let me know how I felt about myself. So everyone has had value. At times when growth had to occur, rather I felt I needed it at the time or not—something happened either on their behalf or mine that caused them to be removed from my immediate presence. Some say coincidence, I say divine timing. Most times either of us may have been upset, even if it were in the best interest—it was still painful, yet necessary. There were times it was an ugly separation, and at others a gentle release.
Sometimes when you share lessons publicly at the time that you are walking them through, you are open to people that subconsciously project their own doubt because their access to your lesson was prematurely given. Always ask for guidance and clarity from whatever source of higher power that you follow prior to doing so; they won’t lead you wrong. There are so many lessons that I’ve had in the background, especially in times when I didn’t think I needed to learn them. Some as a seemingly grown-yet rebellious teenager unwilling to listen and others as a wise ancestor beaming down with pride seeing my higher self. For that I am grateful. For that I am unashamed, because I am sure that they needed to occur just the way they did.
The work to get to a place of peace is a beautifully complicated mess of a journey, that may seem never-ending and sometimes like me—you may be living in real time while people watch in a voyeuristic state. That’s ok, because you are human. I believe that until you determine what truly works for you AND what does not, you will always project your fears on to others. The entitlement to think that you know what’s best for another person will always be astonishingly loud, so let them work through their process to determine it for themselves. That’s not to say that your support isn’t necessary, however the road to finding your path is a very personal space. And since we are constantly evolving beings, there will often be missteps along the way that may discourage your progress—keep walking anyhow. You’ll get there.
Always with love,
Nik ❤️
Nikita Vonee’s Blog 