The art of knowing

2018–1st public art show

a FB memory today was my very 1st art showing in 2018 (above) the pic below was this past Friday.

Transitioning from a vocal artist to a visual artist was more challenging that I had thought. I had some resistance and nay sayers.. who had way too much to say about it—even after starting my own art businesss AND joining an art collective.

When I started painting, it was for ME. Simply put. I was stressed out, depressed, anxious and a failing perfectionist (in my mind). I had no idea how I wanted my art to look, I just painted what I felt. I often compared myself to the artistry of my friends, especially because they had been doing it much longer than me. I actually struggled to find my art style for a while, but I landed in the genre of abstract. Because there I could just be free, and not make it “look like anything”.

Once my business picked up, I became affectionately known as “the paint & sip lady”. Strangers would come up to me and say, “oh, you’re Calming canvas!” I would smile like a little 4th grade school girl every single time. Still, the title did not emcompass all that I was artistically.

Eventually the business of art made it less enjoyable for me, & if I’m honest my son said, “I don’t know why or how you started a business dealing with people, when you don’t really like anyone” 🫠 true. Well, I am easily annoyed lol.

As the years went by, it seemed like my entire life had changed, everything you could think of was different. During these times… I was devastated from the seemingly infinite amount of losses I kept taking. It was HARD.

For a bit, after I closed my studio and life was lifing, I self-sabatoged + sulked by turning down multiple art, singing & book opportunities, interviews too—well, because I was just reliving how something’s hadn’t worked out for me, & why would anyone want to know what was happening now? Is what I asked myself. But what I had almost forgotten, was that I was not my decisions, but even some of those had allowed me to evolve & help some along their journey. I also had many special gifts to share with the world. Still.

Now—I understand that those changes have created me & this authentic self. I do what I want, when I want. I speak how I want, when I choose. I show up, or not—however I feel. I love differently & have allowed myself to be truly loved and changed forever by it. I’ve learned to say no to things that have no value with my progression, & most importantly, I am learning to say YES to the right things.

Someone told me the other day that my book has helped her through her divorce. I genuinely teared up. I wrote it 3 years ago.. & at the time I felt it was too raw; I honestly felt very exposed & vulnerable. I understand now that sometimes you have to just put it out there, and it will land where’s it’s supposed to. Apparently that’s what people need, the TRUTH of our stories + experiences. Otherwise we need to stay silent.

2024–“We are enough” art exhibit

All of this to say, give yourself the time + space to process your emotions… but please don’t forget how you & your art are necessary to the universe.

K E E P G O I N G.

There’s enough people that aren’t willing to share how things have really happened to them, don’t be one of them.

—Nik ❤️

Your gifts will make room for you

Last night my son asked me what my goals were for 2024, and I simply said, “to utilize all my gifts to their fullest capacity.”

Being an artist, sometimes makes you want to share every vulnerable feeling that you are having so that you can show up authentically in the world, release the emotions while living in your truth, yet the desire to run away & hide can paralyze you because, your wounds are being exposed. & Although I know that the best bodies of work are created through adversity, resilience & perseverance.. —we creatives get tired of needing those attributes to make our “things”.

What I AM committing to for the future is to continue to show up and truly present exactly who I am, in all of the ways not worrying about if it lands perfectly.. because if I don’t at least share, what is the point of me having these gifts, like, really? Yet, as I am still working through the decision of sacrednesses vs. vulnerability—balance will be the focal point for these lessons for ME & knowledge for the collective. That’s honest.

When deciding how we want to walk through this world, we often consider others opinions & thoughts of us a bit too much, however. We may even worry that our true self may not be received well by people that know who we “used” to be. “My vibe will attract my tribe,” that’s my new motto. & whomever isn’t too keen with this authentic self that I’ve discovered has yet to truly experience or love me as a person—because accepting my evolution was never in their plan, apparently. They may only be comfortable loving who I once was to them… & may want to keep me there. & even though their choice to do so in the confines of their mind, I will show gratitude for them being apart of my journey & am thankful for the universe moving them away from my energetic space at this time, too.

As I naturally evolve & simultaneously come home to myself, I uncover parts of me that I never knew existed— especially if they were drowned by past trauma + many people’s attempts to tell me who I needed to be. Unpacking all of that shit has been the most beautifully crafted challenge to date.

In the words of Lauryn Hill, “Do you know how hard it is to tell the people that you love the most who you truly are? I didn’t even know me, I had to introduce myself to my Mother & Father. Y’all don’t know ME, I’m just getting to know me. So excuse me, but I don’t want to fit into your ‘box’.. “ (MTV Unplugged No. 2.0–Interlude 5: 2022)

My creator created me to create, they also dipped me in the uniqueness of my multiple expressions that I am so blessed to be able to choose in which I use to pour into the world. & that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Stretch them all. One gift at a time.

Letting go of the idea that perfection exists, will allow you to just BE. So peace be with you as you figure out where your gifts lie, work through all of your life lessons, & hopefully help someone else as you choose which ones to reveal.

Nik ✨

flow + release: keep going when it doesn’t feel good

people rarely speak about how it feels to release people, habits & places that you once found as a comfort when growth can no longer be stuffed in the corner of your being.

if you are a creative, this may even affect the way you create—or if you can at all. And honestly..

That. Shit. Hurts.

There is duality in this chapter of my life: I am loving + leaving when I realize I am not being loved well, I am growing + being wrecked in those same parts of me that have died due to my new knowledge, I am beginning new journeys with kindred souls + ending paths with spirits of old. & most importantly I let all of the feelings—flow.

I am H U M A N.

As I discover new parts of myself, and evolve to my higher purpose, so many people have left my side or have had to be released from my inner circle.. even close family members as well. Now that I know what I know—I innerstand that sometimes respecting the flow of things in your life is what truly works better than attempting to control anything that it out of it.

So, I let it hurt until it doesn’t anymore, and even when that pain resurfaces—I lean in just a bit longer until I truly see how I need to show up differently in a relationship, or not at all.

If I can offer you anything, let it be this, if it resonates… nothing is wrong with you simultaneously feeling sad + hopeful when releasing people while deepening connections with others.

In the words of Lauryn Hill, “everything is everything—what will be, will be”.

—Nik ✨

Random thoughts that all come together

I often have conflicting thoughts of if I want to express myself by sharing real life situations or running, and hiding away from the Internet altogether. It’s not so much of me, wanting to be away from people—but more or less the convoluted congestion that comes with millions of things being thrown down your timeline and in your face about varying subjects. If you’re not careful, it can have you all over the place. I also learned that people seem to recycle ideas and thoughts, passing them off as their own when all they do is constantly move their thumbs up and down across the glass screen, and not give credit to those really doing the work.

My screen time sometimes makes me ashamed because what the fuck else am I doing with my day? I could be utilizing the hours of screen time for creative projects, but quite honestly more recently I haven’t had the energy. Instead of me being ashamed of that, I’m choosing just to give myself some grace and know that I need to rest more.

As my children get older, their needs have changed. So instead of me having to change diapers and run to daycare I am out and functioning as an Uber, an ATM, and sometimes a therapist. If you ever want to learn if you truly are a good person, have some children. Because not only will they reflect back to you everything that they learned from you, they will also tell you exactly who you are, if you let them.

My children are my greatest blessings, however that does not negate the fact that motherhood is just fucking hard. I never set out to be a mom raising her kids independently from the person who helped me create them, they were created in love, yet—here we are. And we’re making great progress, and sometimes I forget just how great I am as a mother. The beautiful struggle, I’ve come to love. & I’m sure I’m not the only one, but one of the few that actually admit it. It can be really hard for women to feel like their sacrifices and their love is unappreciated, yet necessary to raise these humans. I don’t need my children to tell me this on a daily basis, but when they pick out my favorite things and hand them to me in a big decorative bag on Christmas, I know they truly see me. And for now, that’s enough for me.

I have enough emotional support outside in my other relationships, that allows me to just be their Mother. I don’t lean on them for consolement although I am honest about my emotions. I do call them my broke besties, that’s because I enjoy truly spending time with them because they are Hella funny, and I sometimes foot the bill for the recreational entertainment & food. But they are not my best friends, they are my children. And as I learn more about myself on a daily basis, I integrate that into my daily interactions with them. I find myself messing up all the time as I stumble through the unexpected situations that motherhood brings like a baby taking their first steps—eventually they figure it out, too. I find myself crying with the door shut, sometimes still, although they are teenagers. I find myself second-guessing if I’ve done the right thing. And then sometimes the very next day I beam so greatly from watching them flourish in all the things that they enjoy… that literally my heart feels like it’s going to come out of my chest. I am PROUD. And I’m even more proud that I’ve done a lot of the heavy lifting on my own when it comes to them. Motherhood ain’t no punk, and I’ve learned neither am I—I do honor when I’m emotionally spent however. So I close my door and palm a good glass of Chardonnay and let them make their own dinner.

I’ve always said that their father has been active, and he is. But you really don’t realize the balance that you miss from having a two parent home until you don’t have that anymore. And that’s just reality. But I have learned to give grace + space for every single version of who I have been. The petty me, the silly me, the very rigid boundary me, the woman that has been taken for granted, the loving me, the creative me, the helicopter-Mom me, and the one that needs to rest.

When I decided to stop sharing my stories in real time for public consumption, I was finally able to let the people that truly saw me hear what I had to say—and I then was able to receive what they saw in me reflected back. Without all of the chatter from others that barely even knew much about me, I could also uncover what I needed to see for myself. It took some time, but I did do it.

When you get close to those who have a reciprocal desire to learn and understand what makes who you are—

I promise, most of these opinions in these here social media streets about why you should or shouldn’t do x, y & z will barely matter at all. If you ask me, fxck what they think + simply do whatever makes you the happiest version of yourself.

stop searching for the perfection in how others see you and start basking in the beauty of the growth as you find your own way, even when it’s most painful.

you will always learn the most valuable lessons when you get quiet and listen to the one who knows you best anyway. your inner self.

I love this for me, and I hope you to experience it too. listen to the #NikNaxx podcast weekly if you’d like to hear what else I have to say about this.

be well my friends.

—Nik✨

Love isn’t perfect

I woke up this #loveday with an ocean + sunrise as my alarm clock and shared coffee with my partner as we discussed our future plans both separately and together. We sailed on a #sunsetcruise and as the evening came to an end, I snapped this pic to capture the feeling of love I felt—tipsy and all.

I had been gifted 3 roses, 2 of which I passed on to black women that spirit told me to hand them to at our hotel. They smiled as a thank you left their lips and I was yet again reminded that my purpose of sharing these stories of love + walking the journey through heartbreak + the other side are for them, too.

As I wrote my first book, I was right in the midst of nursing a heart filled with grief, pain, anger and disappointment from a range of broken relationships—yet, I still chose to silence a lot of what I truly felt in order to protect the ones that hurt me the deepest. However, as I dig through the stories when I re-read them often, I’ve learned to gift myself the grace to say, “as you’re in this journey you will continue to discover layers of disappointment that need to be exposed, and they will heal in time”. And that’s ok.

When you’re ready to be honest about what has actually occurred in your life + how you’ve been changed by it, you’ll see that all of your connections were showing you a mirror image of who you were at the time you chose them. I won’t lie and say that this discovery feels good by any means, however it does bring context and accountability to the table, front and center. And honestly, even your closest relationships will never be “perfect”. Perfection is not love, it’s an illusion that sometimes may cause you to miss the best relationships that you can experience because you are looking for them to be just like you.

In the words of @humblethepoet “Perfect is the last place love exists”. So honor where you are, how you got there and how your future self will thank you for creating the reality that you desire.

But first, you’ve got to be honest with yourself, the best gift.

Read more on my blog @ nikitavonee.com, listen to the #NikNaxx podcast on @spotify & @applepodcasts for a new episode every Sunday + be ready for my 2nd book on 8.19 ❣️

Ladies how y’all feeling?

It’s #worldmentalhealthday and I can honestly say that I don’t get on these free apps and front anymore. Because, for why? I do get sad when I see people that (still) do this, but I also understand that I had to walk down my own journey to this place of introspection, too. So, take your time.

I loathe social media, actually. And by loathe I mean, it can be a great tool to network, keep up with your friends & family.. or do business. Mine was basically birthed & sustained because of the power in it, so it I am forever grateful. BUT If I’m honest, I wish we could return to the days that unless we had actual conversations with our people, we knew nothing more about their personal lives besides what their favorite song and html code they chose for their background on MySpace was. Those that know, know. And might I add, I’m still low key sad that we can’t design our own Facebook pages, but I digress.

Anywho, rather we’d like to admit it or not, social media is a staple of this generation.. and (unfortunately) it’s here to stay. Just about everywhere you go has a QR code that links to their newest website spotlight or business’ Instagram feed that will reel you in to the never-ending loop of constant content to scroll for hours. It perpetually has caused us to live our lives on public display while scrolling away + performing for people that most likely don’t truly know us (or maybe even like us 🙃) in real life— & at times those same people are barely hanging on to their own self-identity.

When I do scroll on Facebook in particular, I often see women that only identify as someone’s mother, wife, _____ career person in their bio or page. And the most sad part about all of that is: that was once me as well. So I be knowin’.

I do understand that children need to be raised, careers built, food cooked, etc.. however I must ask, when was the last time that you took time to watch a butterfly land on a flower petal or played your favorite record while sipping a glass of Rose’? Who are you without all of those adjectives that seemingly describe your existence? Your titles per se, who are you at your core? If it were not for the accolades and/or introductory phrase such as “______’s Mom” would you know how to describe yourself during an ice breaker?

These are deeply uncomfortable questions to ask yourself, especially when you’re in the midst of changing diapers or being a personal Uber driver for your teenage people with whom you share a home with. But truly, can you answer that?

After I divorced the Father of my children, I made up my mind that I would not be the 45-year old woman that becomes an empty-nester—and didn’t know who NIKITA was. I had become a Mother before I technically was one; had spent plenty of my youngest years attempting to be everything to the family inside & outside of my home. Then suddenly, I looked up and had no idea what I truly enjoyed about myself. & Believe it or not, at age 28 someone literally referred to me as, “the little old lady in the shoe”—and it stuck with me, even to this day.

I do understand that rearing children and being a traditional woman/wife is truly what some women desire, however I pose this question: are you truly happy? I ask with the highest level of respect, because my timeline is filled with lots of married Mothers with sad smiles; my heart aches for them.

At 41 years old, I look younger than I did when my children were small because I have discovered what makes me smile + sustainably keeps me happy—and I do those things, as often as I can. I rest when I need to, and I take personal time to just BE. Whatever that is.

In the powerful words of Iyanla Vanzant, “what’s in the cup is for me, and what comes out of the cup is for y’all”. Basically, you can only be as good to others as you are to yourself. So on this day, in the name of self-care + balance ask yourself honestly, “am I filling my cup completely first before I pour what I am creating in my pot for others?”

If your answer wasn’t a “hell yea”, I pray you give yourself all the grace and find the courage to tell the people that love you that you need to do this, to be your best self.

Love & hugs,

—Nik ❤️

Allowing the easy life to find me

When people have told me that I am aging backwards, I would jokingly say, “put some respect on this wisdom because I don’t wanna go back there.” But now I am sitting here thinking about the power in what has been said with that.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much emotional pain you have harbored, until you no longer wear it on your face. And even if others have seen it long before you, it may take awhile until you give yourself the permission to truly accept that.

I have more peace now in my life than I ever have, I have more joy + abundance, and interestingly it’s because I am no longer stressing myself with the hustle + grind mentality in the name of being “successful” in life + love. I just let myself, be.

I am my business; I am my brand. I am also a woman & a Mother, too. And I have to take care of me, first. And then allow the rest to come as it may. I will write more books and create more paintings, when I feel energetically + creatively ready. Authentically.

I am consistently allowing myself to feel all of my feelings that have come with life, motherhood, love + entrepreneurship.. rather good or even challenging. And I rest when I need it, too. Every thing has to align with my soul now. And I must say, I’m very proud of my journey this far.

I am getting more rest, believe it or not lol. I have at times struggled with letting things, “be”, but for the most part; I am learning to no longer allow things to eat me up, and wait to speak up in the midnight hour.

I have allowed people to leave my life, I have deepened connections with old friends + am more open to letting new ones flourish. Which is super huge for me. I have released both things & people to go when it was time, & am continuing to meet peace + ease where I am.

All this to say, my gifts are making room for me + my tribe is being aligned. My intuition is poppin’, my spirit is glowing + God always be knowin’! & I love all of this for me.

Nik 💛

Friendship hurt, hurts the deepest

Looking through my FB memories today; I thought about how some people tend to act like friendship breakups don’t bother them. That’s not true, for me.

I wasn’t even going to type this out, but I also realize that writing + sharing is a therapeutic tool for me, still.

You may read people’s post about “letting toxic friends go” and “they’re no longer for me”..etc. And yet, they truly don’t talk about the process of working through the emotions until you find the peace in that, even if it is true. Like, it hurts, until it doesn’t anymore. Much like a relationship; I even wrote about it in my book.

While I’ve been in therapy, I have come to realize two important things: sometimes things can be my fault and it may take me a while to be accountable about that, and also, sometimes people can be at fault—while also being unwilling to have honest conversation about how they’ve hurt you. They may even lack the tools to do so.

Anywho, I could easily say that when communication fails that time can be the answer to having THE conversation, but I’ve debunked that theory as well. Both pride & being too forgiving are equally demolishing travesties of the same coin that once connected two people together. At times, separation IS the answer. You just have to take your time working through the muck of it all, until you get free—emotionally.

All relationships require honesty + emotional safeness. one or the other will not do.

As I’ve said before, “sometimes things shatter so greatly, that they are best left apart”. And that applies to friendships, too. Because most times, those hurt the deepest.

with love,

—Nik ❤️

boundless freedom

I stopped using my social media as a open (public) journal… and what I’ve found is that this was one of the most important things that have deepened my relationships. It also gave me a chance to stop the perfectionism wheel (trap) that I created for myself—mainly because I often compared to whom I wanted to be vs. where I was on that journey to get there.

As I look at my FB memories; I am proud to say that growth feels + looks different for me. I now have moved away from sharing sacred lessons from & with my family or passing on every piece of advice I’d received from wise people by way of honestly passing judgment unto others because they haven’t been living the same way that I just learned to do.

I unfortunately have also realized that some of the people that I believed supported me the most—were merely surprised that I kept making things happen for myself despite anything that I encountered. And interestingly, that’s how I found out who was truly in my corner vs. who enjoyed being a voyeur of my misfortunes and holding on to that version of Nikki.

“I had to reintroduce myself to everyone that thought they knew me, I’m just getting to know me. Anything that’s not growing is dead, so we better be changing. People would hold me emotionally hostage. Let the experiences teach you, and be real. There’s gonna be warfare involved because some people prefer deceptions. Emotional warfare happens in relationships; being able to tell the people we love the most the truth about ourselves is freeing. They say, ‘I don’t like this new expression, it doesn’t fit into our box for you. And then you say, ‘well, I ain’t in no box’. —Lauryn Hill

Nonetheless, #GodAlwaysBeKnowin and them + the lessons that were brought along with them were all apart of the road to discovering the best version of myself, too. I’ve also removed the shame placed upon myself and the desire to delete things that I’ve said/done for social media.. because it provides a snapshot of time of who I used to be AND I give her compassion now—instead of judgment.

I love that this blog has provided me a place to pour my heart out for 8 years. Because this is art, too & I am grateful.

“When you get free, see who still enjoys watching you fly.” —me to me

—-Nik ❤️

Wading in the unknown to find your true self

I have been told on several occasions, “you always land gracefully on your feet” even from people that are close to me. If gracefully landing is defined by falling forward, becoming a emotional contortionist, being pushed backward and then standing in the uncomfortable truth of the reality of it all before landing one toe at a time, then ok cool—-I land “gracefully”. Have I cared what people thought at times? Absolutely. Am I continuously working to not give energy to those thoughts? Absolutely.

I have a tendency to not share what is really happening in the background at the time that things are happening; I have just “figured it out”. I used to have a go-to response when asked how I really was, “I’m not ok, but I will be”.. and not expounding on much else. Maybe it was my honest attempt at having boundaries or even feeling the need to think it all the way through on my own so that I could even articulate what I felt. But really I actually relied on self-soothing and overly-intellectualizing my emotions until they “made sense” instead of allowing myself to really feel them AND to be supported by my loved ones in the process. With years of therapy, I’ve learned this is a trauma response.

I love people that love freely. People that have jumped over adverse situations, sometimes outside of their control (or even sometimes consequentially due to their own decisions) and have crossed over insurmountable obstacles, irrespective of the glares of judgment, while continuing to discover how things will work for them.. even when the plan is unclear. And somehow they still share the outcome—eventually. I love people like me, that keep going and show up authentically.

I think that there are so many people that are afraid to choose themselves, over what “looks right” that they judge the very people that are doing just that. The people that truly are living for their own happiness and best interest.

At times, even the people that love us will judge us, because they can not see outside of their own experience of shame.

I will tell you from experience, anytime that you allow yourself to be complacent in a situation only because you are afraid of the challenge of finding out what may happen on the other side of that, and because of the fear of what it may take to get there—you are holding yourself in bondage to people’s opinion of your life. And that’s no way to live.

There is only so much masking that you can do until one day you look in the mirror and do not recognize your own reflection. Every single connection that we allow is a reflection of our self-identify and esteem in that moment of our lives. I do not discount any person that has come into my life at anytime, I honor their existence because they were a part of my journey and they let me know how I felt about myself. So everyone has had value. At times when growth had to occur, rather I felt I needed it at the time or not—something happened either on their behalf or mine that caused them to be removed from my immediate presence. Some say coincidence, I say divine timing. Most times either of us may have been upset, even if it were in the best interest—it was still painful, yet necessary. There were times it was an ugly separation, and at others a gentle release.

Sometimes when you share lessons publicly at the time that you are walking them through, you are open to people that subconsciously project their own doubt because their access to your lesson was prematurely given. Always ask for guidance and clarity from whatever source of higher power that you follow prior to doing so; they won’t lead you wrong. There are so many lessons that I’ve had in the background, especially in times when I didn’t think I needed to learn them. Some as a seemingly grown-yet rebellious teenager unwilling to listen and others as a wise ancestor beaming down with pride seeing my higher self. For that I am grateful. For that I am unashamed, because I am sure that they needed to occur just the way they did.

The work to get to a place of peace is a beautifully complicated mess of a journey, that may seem never-ending and sometimes like me—you may be living in real time while people watch in a voyeuristic state. That’s ok, because you are human. I believe that until you determine what truly works for you AND what does not, you will always project your fears on to others. The entitlement to think that you know what’s best for another person will always be astonishingly loud, so let them work through their process to determine it for themselves. That’s not to say that your support isn’t necessary, however the road to finding your path is a very personal space. And since we are constantly evolving beings, there will often be missteps along the way that may discourage your progress—keep walking anyhow. You’ll get there.

Always with love,

Nik ❤️

I had my first booking signing!

yesterday—my book signing was amazing! I am geeked for what’s to come next for me. I can’t even explain the emotion from the support that I received. I appreciate each & every single person that was present in that room; it was a very intimate and beautiful experience to say the least.

Now that I’ve had time to reflect and take it all in, I have realized that I truly needed to get out of my own way when it came to writing this book. I mean, for 7 years I have spoken about what “I was going to do” and for 7 years I stewed over it time and again. I’ve had people ask me, “what are you waiting on?” including my 91 year old Aunt on Facebook 🤣 yes, she really has a Facebook lol. Now that I have finally jumped over the hurdle of publishing my first book, I am immediately ready to write another! It was not easy by any means, but it’s almost like, now that I’ve done it in it’s entirety—I know what to expect and I’m ready, mmkay?!

Anywho, I have several podcast and magazine interviews lined up already, book club meetings, another book signing and *gasp* a locally owned bookstore meeting setup over the next couple of months.. like whoa. 😯 I am feeling overjoyed, excited and like, “OK, I’m really doing this!” today.

I have felt like my life has been aligning in SO many ways as of late.. but there were certain areas that still no longer belonged—and they have eliminated themselves. GOD I see you & you always be knowin’ what’s best for ya girl.. even when I’m like, um excuse me Sir… did you mean to do this?! 😩🙌🏽

Thank you to all of the folks that have supported me this far in my journey, with good intention. I appreciate you all immensely. Conversely, I also know that I have blocked the view of others seeing what it truly means to walk these painful life stories through, because in the past I’ve only shared experiences transparently in a selective way. But time out for all-a-dat because that’s not how I want to help women.

New levels, new truth!

As I said yesterday, my heart has been in places that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy of a woman—because no one deserves to be in those places. So, I vow to share authentically and if one woman can close my book, shed some tears and turn away from whatever is harming her, it is well.

Purchase your copy of Oceans + Heavens here http://nikitavonee.com

Nik ❤️

when micro aggressions turn into madder than hell

I’m gonna start this off by saying, I am mad asf at the injustice. mad asf at the disrespect. mad asf at the disregard of black women. and mad asf at the lack of empathy + caucasity of white women, white fragility, white privilege, white entitlement and white systems alike.

I didn’t sleep well last night, so I’m going to get this off my hands and tell you why. I want to tell you a story. A story about a white (woman) person who I considered a friend and ally—but now, am having second and third thoughts about. So picture this, it’s a Friday evening, we’re having a cocktail or two, music flowing while socially distancing at a local restaurant a few weeks ago. We are swapping stories about all that has occurred in each of our lives over the past several months. The stories are intriguing, colorful and some even not so happy—but still being shared. Then she says, “I was mad at you and have been since May—(it’s now August) for what you said about ‘people’ not being sensitive to the current events happening around the world in relation to Black people. You made a blanket statement; I felt like you put me in the same category as ‘them’ and you know me, you know that I care about you and I was really upset that you did that.”

Now to give some context, this was an email thread that she’s referring to, in which it posed the question “would you rather go back in time 100 years or forward 100 years?”—mind you this came a few days following the George Floyd murder and subsequent protests. I replied in my honest rhetoric basically saying that it was the wrong timing for such a hypothetical question—in light of the current climate of social injustices. Simple. Yet SHE was offended by my observation. She was not attempting to understand my perspective, nor my (our) plight as a black woman/women, or have empathy for my emotions, or even willing to try to understand the idea that this hypothetical question was offensive to ME. She chose to be mad at me.

Mad.

Mad?

Wow.

I gave her time to rephrase and gather herself, while I simultaneously got my thoughts together before reacting to such a comment, as I sat in silence. Actually stunned. She then stated, “then later on I went to a conference (I’m not sure of the nature) and it became clear to me that you shouldn’t be the one that has to teach me about racism, it’s not your job to do that—it’s mine.” Hmm I paused and thought, shook my head in agreement, but also thought she kinda gets it. Or does she? Did she read that somewhere? Is this a ploy to get me to feel like she is an ally? Or is it truly genuine? Is she really my friend?

I had a total of about 5 minutes to process ALL of this information and give a response. It was very hard to not kill every bit of this friendship with my emotive words, but I paused and said, “so you went 3 whole months being upset and didn’t feel that you could say this before now?” Her response was, “well I wanted to, but I didn’t think you would be receptive”. She had a point. Maybe I would have been, maybe not. However, it could have made for a good discussion at the time. But instead of bringing up the elephant in the air over a span of 3 months, she dished out seemingly empathized texts to “check in” with me and my family, instead of facing the issue head on. I don’t like that.

After she talked about how it wasn’t my job or an expectation of me to teach her about racism, almost in the same breath, she spoke of another (black) woman that she considered a friend. She was vehemently “upset” with her due to a social media post that she wrote stating that “if you don’t understand my problems as a black woman, don’t talk to me” or something like that. She, again, was mad that the friend did not take into consideration her friendship when speaking her truth. Hmm. So now, the onus falls upon the writer to single out “the good white people” (and most likely apologize in advance) rather than for “the good white people” to take into consideration that the writer is only addressing people of opposition—and consequently recuse themselves from the “they” that the writer is speaking of. Got it. Entitlement much?

And that alone made me think twice about this “friendship” that we have cultivated. I later was able to differentiate between the support and concern she has given for my family over the past couple years, and the conversation that we had that night. Long story short, I chopped it up to “she just doesn’t get it, and she doesn’t want to”. Regardless of how much we have “related” in the past, this wasn’t going to be one of those times. I now knew her place in my life.

Each day, we as black women, most of us, enter into spaces managed by our counterparts, virtual or not, with the weight of America’s injustices, our families needs, our own BS, attempting to navigate through our work needs—with workplace microaggressions to boot. And not to mention attempting to protect our own sanity and mental health. We’re then labeled as the “mad Black woman”, merely because we choose to speak up for ourselves and not allow just anyone to speak for us. And I’m growing very tired of the mental gymnastics that I must prepare myself for daily to be status quo and NOT say how I really feel. Especially when systematic racism is not only happening before our eyes, but also unaddressed in the workplace.

I’m tired.

We as Black women are tired.

MF tired.

Every form of protest, is still protest. And this is mine in 1000 words or less.

RIH Breonna Taylor 💔

Nik

No social rest for the weary

I have written and re-written this, and even recorded a video too. Too many explicative words that I muttered, so I did not share it that way.

Now, I do know that not every white person is a racist, but I also do not know which ones are anti-racist either.

I read yesterday that a lot of white people dont even like black people, they just like YOU.

And that hit-hard.

To not see my color, is to not see ME.

I am BLACK. All day every single day, and it doesn’t matter if I am lighter in my complexion than “them” or that you think that I don’t act like “them”, because I am them, too. And it’s exhausting to explain-so I won’t any longer.

AND btw my Daddy is a big black man. So 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m tired of explaining, side-stepping, & allowing faux apologies just to make anyone feel comfortable.. when clearly I am not.

To have to clear up white tears over frivolous matters; while simultaneously shedding many for people that are now only #hashtag memories, and I never even met them.

Attempting to keep a cool composure with a RBF, cause my face don’t lie—is exhausting.
So that I can (seemingly) avoid the angry black woman complex.. that will precede me anyhow. but NOW? now I’m mad as hell.

And I’m using my art of words to express. Cause I ain’t made for the frontlines, but these ones can’t not be erased. And they still display my anger. Maybe even better.

Where micro aggression meets pissed.

That’s exactly where I am.

Diversity training will not help, because it’s an engrained mindset. Engrained in the fabric of privileged thinking and passivity. No one feels the need to change, because they don’t feel they are wrong. And because they don’t have to care, like we do. Ever.

My prayers are different now because I have a black son. A black Husband. That go into the outside world most days. If ever I have had a thought of taking for granted that they will return home safely, it is now. Anger + Fear makes me hug them both more tightly when we embrace… while I pray silently.

Anger has caused me to go through my FB friend list to see which of my white friends have said something even remotely racial during this time… then realizing that most have said nothing at all.

Then I remember that silence is an answer too.

And I digress.

Nik 💔

6/2/2020 #BlackOutTuesday

6/2/2020

I read a comment yesterday that said, “people love to stay in their comfortable corners when things like this happen..”

And I’ll admit, while I am often very empathetic and deeply affected by the unfortunate and downright inhumane experiences of my black brothers & sisters-it has been years since I posted about it.

Since I’ve moved back home from living in the south, I’ll attribute it to my comfort zone. Living in the suburbs of KS & now MO-not being close to the threat.. or physically close to “my people” in Georgia… or so I think.

But now, NOW I have a son soon approaching 16. A Black son who has white “friends” that are totally oblivious to the affects of what their friend feels. And their Mothers will never worry as much as I. EVER. Just last week, I had to hug him and say the only words that I could, while tears fell-“I love you son & and today you are safe”. He will be driving sooner than later… I have so many emotions about it. His Father is bi-racial, his Bonus Father is not-It’s not the same. Although little does he know, it kinda is…

The only thing we can do at this point, is teach him how to react if they are stopped by the police or approached by someone that thinks his 5’10 composure is a threat. Which all in itself is heartbreaking.

My Husband & I own black businesses, both of which we (sometimes) service customers that don’t look like us, but our mission is still the same. The Black dollar. And because of that, we both support many local black businesses a lot of the time. Still I hope our counterpart customers are allies, but honestly idk.

In my daily world, most of my co-workers are white. I have yet to hear one word of compassion from them.. maybe they don’t know what to say, maybe they want to not say anything.. meanwhile they are organizing “meet-ups” to drink beer and shoot the shit. As if WE are not at all affected, because these hashtags are not names that they or I personally know. I am not surprised however.

At the Oak Park Mall on Sunday, a sales associate said to me, “they closed the mall early because of the protesting I guess? I just think it’s all crazy and should stop”. Karen only got a glare from me. Because, not very often do words fail me, but because in that moment I realized that she obviously didn’t WANT to understand & we are not the same.

I started an art piece the other day, but can’t bring myself to finish it. usually art speaks for me, but for now this will have to do. Cause I’m artistically spent.

Nik 💔

Pandemic honesty

I had a patient that started to tell me how she really felt about the current pandemic, but mid-sentence she stopped herself and said, “let me not complain because someone has it worse than I do.”

I then said to her, “you know I am a believer that there is nothing wrong with speaking truthfully about your feelings, and not always mentioning how to just be grateful-because it could be worse.”

She agreed really quickly, and then in the same breath said, “yeah but I was taught to always be grateful, so I’m not going to complain”. And I believe this is how you learn to diminish your feelings at the expense of thinking that it will not be received well from others. Self shame.

Much like people do in religion.
Much like people do with toxic positivity.
Much like people do while going through traumatic situations.
Much like people do when they are sick.

Because someone taught them to be this way.

And that is heartbreaking to me.

This pandemic is opening my eyes & soul to so many things. People are more easily offended and vocal online.. simply because “we all have time today”. I see people unable to enjoy the familiarity of things of old, family gatherings; happy hour drinks with friends. Co-parents still disagreeing-maybe even more so because some are not following safety orders, teachers missing the only “children” they know on this side of heaven. Senior students missing milestone events while adults share photos of themselves while simultaneously shoving devastating realizations that things wont happen as they thought… in the name of “support”. Panic stricken hoarding by way of “being prepared”, unconscious cross contamination and people avoiding eye contact in the produce aisle
and/or donning cold-stares over top skillfully crafted masks, because you are not wearing one, too.

For some, domestic calls for help have increased, because the safest places that they escaped to daily are now closed-some of them indefinitely.

For me, the truth is, I will not get to witness my Husband ringing the bell to signify his very last session of chemo next week, my son can not perform in his very anticipated spring musical, my youngest daughter can not exert her energy through dancing with her team, and my oldest peers through the make-shift plexi glass when you enter her line at the most-sought-out new hangout spot, AKA the grocery store.. while you don’t even flash a kind smile.

This sucks-if I do say so myself. So time out for everyone ALWAYS being so positive.

I have learned to be so introspective + search the depths of my life stories.. that sometimes I’m as deep as the ocean and other times as light as the sun. But that’s OK, because I was made to love both. I am also teaching and gifting myself grace to allow those true feelings to come & pass if they so choose. But I always lean in and feel that shit. And I make sure to use my words, like “shit” because I am being my truly authentic and most honest self. If you are offended, that is a personal issue that you must take up with yourself. Because these are my truths.. And that is one of the most important lessons that living & healing out loud has taught me.

My question to you is, who taught you how to always save face and bury your tears to make another smile? Will you suffer a short while of uncomfortable emotions, to be free of their judgment?

Questions that need answers.

Hugs,

Nik ❤️

Chemo, Chardonnay + chest rises: a tale of Superman’s journey.

Chemo, Chardonnay + chest rises: a tale of Superman’s journey.

1/28/2020

“I can’t wait to get my old life back” he says. “Me too, I want that for you, too”.

I should’ve gone back to bed as soon as I stepped foot on the honey colored wooden floor this morning. What a fxcking day. I complained throughout it all. My day was bad. Technology fails, teenage wails, unexpected mail.

Still he slept & slept. & so peacefully so.

Loose hairs-mine because I shampooed on day #10 in the shower, him because of the infamous “red devil” pumped through his veins 2 days prior. Shit. 15 minute increments of alert convo is where we are, so hurry and say what you must. Although I want so badly to be wrapped in the familiarity of your agreement to these daily rants I have husband, because-

you. get. it. You do. But we’ve both had a day, and not that we should measure-but yes, yours trumps because at least my normal is still mine. Even as frustrating as it may be.

So tonight my love-no lights it is, a lavender scented candle burning by moonlight only… a long-stemmed glass of Chardonnay I hold in my right hand as I give you rhythmic ear rubs with the hand that holds the rings you placed 2 months to the day prior.. *sip, rub, sip* to the beat of Sabrina Claudio & Miguel as they engulf me in their melody. While I simultaneously watch your chest rise, up & down. And then again. And again some more. Until I tire.

Goodnight my love. Even if it is only 7:03 pm.

Dear chemo, I loathe you.

Chemo, peace & vulnerability. A tale of Superman’s journey

day #1 post chemo #2 + Superman is resting. today is good, unlike the last session. which he said himself it would be.

I share pics + writings of my husband on this journey, because I am honest, an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit. & he doesn’t mind + he respects how I express myself, too.

also, because there isn’t enough talk about #blackmen being vulnerable to the love from their women-and still remaining masculine to protect. he covers me; I cover him. and therefore I speak on it.

love is so many things. so many. it doesn’t always look like physically doing something for someone, it can also be gazing upon his peaceful rest, counting his breaths and doing nothing but that-like today.

with all that happens in this world, and the insensitivity that surfaces because of it, I am grateful to be one of the few that stays quiet enough to listen to what people aren’t saying.

-Nik ❤️

Chemo, rainbows + oatmeal… a tale of Superman’s journey.

My Husband has cancer.

Now that’s out the way. Let me expound about how I feel about this-only to be understood, not receive sympathy.

It’s quiet in my home. Besides the bacon I’m cooking, it’s quiet. Very. No laughing from a early morning convo with him, no banter from his timeline viewing of social media, like the morning paper. Just quiet. Because Superman is sleeping. Peacefully, I must say.

Yesterday at this time we were laughing, joyfully as the chemo meds drip-dropped into his port. It didn’t seem to faze him at all.. good! As he laughed with the nurse about their favorite football teams, I smiled reveling at his strength. He even flirted with me, like normal, good this is normal. There was even another patient that came over and asked to pray with him. “Draw close to GOD Charles”, he said. Nice. We even went shopping after we left the hospital, and then he played fetch with the dog upon returning home, like usual, of course.

But then, then as he nestled next to my bosom, normal was no more. He tossed, and tossed and winced some too. Pain in his stomach, and rolls from the nausea enter into the picture now. Uh-oh, this is it Nikki. It’s time to be the Nurse that’s his Wife, too. You remember how to take care of a patient, right? 5 years isn’t that long ago. Come on, girl-you’ve got this. Breathe.

A cold towel, for the night sweats, a nausea med for his stomach. And then another. Wait, we need cold water too.. oh he doesn’t want that. Hmm, then turn the fan on because he’s hot, right? No, he’s cold 5 minutes later.. can’t do that. Breathe Nikki, breathe, you’ve got this. Incoming text: “hey girl, how are you all doing?” We’re good 😊.. *pause* and then another and another.. and several hundred notifications too. And a call from my Mom.

Hold up, a funny video-yay! I smile, *he tosses* “you good babe?” *he moans, yeah-no. This sucks”. Me: “I know love, what can I do?” Him: “nothing”.

Sigh.

8 hours straight of “criminal minds” in the background.. trying to distract, yet stay focused.. didn’t help much-because my favorite person is sick and all that I know as a nurse is not helping.. or is it? Idk. We will see. Tomorrow. Today? Hopefully.

Ok, it’s 10pm. Let’s sleep. Distractions off. Quiet my mind, please GOD do it.

245 am, I awake. I turn to view his chocolate skin in the midnight light peering from my window. Is that sweat on his brow? It is. Oh snap, he’s having night sweats.. they said this would happen. I’m up to get a cold towel; he’s up to use the restroom.

Oh.

“Put it back on your head before you lie down” I say, “and drink this cold water too”. He complies. “You think I should stay home today with you?” I ponder. Him: *shrugs* “ok, I’m staying”.

All of this may sound scary, sad or even daunting. But for me, it’s just a realistic view of what I signed up for. I want this. Because this is what real love looks like. Midnight hands laying + praying on my partner. Standing in the gap, taking it all in, attending appointments, wiping his brow, picking up meds and removing the cover in the midnight so he won’t overheat.

After 20 hours of no appetite + 15 hours of sleep. I cooked him some oatmeal, praying that he would eat it. And then an ensure smoothie if that doesn’t work. I leaned on the sink as I waited and looked up to see a rainbow form on the cabinet. Yes, sure it’s from the chandelier hanging, but I’ve never seen it before now. So that’s my sign that all is well. And also. GOD sees + knows. Even when I don’t.

Day #1.

Nikki

Faith trap

yesterday was yesterday. today-I’m feeling the same. one thing I’ve learned, is that people appreciate authenticity because they can relate to the thoughts that a lot of us have-but only a few are brave enough to share.💡

–

the highlight reel will have you really out here pretending for folks that don’t even know who they really are & don’t even really know you. makes no sense huh?

–

life can be hard, being a believer can be hard (er) because people love to pretend that because they believe in a higher power-they can’t have emotions also. I don’t need any one to tell me to pray, or tell me that God is in control, or that things will work out.. as if I don’t think or do those already. I just wanna be. sad if I want. mad if I want. joyful the next moment, because that’s what I want too. you don’t need to know the details of what I’m going through, to know that I am. because the beauty of being selectively transparent is still freeing for ME💡

–

I am not hopeless-I am honest. there’s a huge difference. & I’m doing a great job figuring some heavy sugar-honey-iced-tea out.

Don’t forget to look up Nikki

I had a tough past couple of weeks recently. As I was traveling last week, every time I started to have a negative or hopeless thought, I stopped and looked up. Because I love photos and capturing moments, I snapped a pic of the ceilings that were around me. & I literally said to myself aloud, “don’t forget to look up Nikki”.

–

I am a “church kid” by way of my Dad being a preacher and attending church at every turn because of it. As I’ve gotten older however, #church sometimes takes the backseat-although my personal relationship with the creator doesn’t. Hear me when I say, I am in no way the poster child of a perfect #Christian (if there even is one) but I do know where and whom I’ve come from and where he’s taking me… even when I can’t feel it.

–

Sometimes, most times, when I’m feeling #anxious or overwhelmed, when my back is up against the wall and things look bleak-I call my Dad. He will stop WHEREever he is-literally-and pray with me. Last week it was in the airport (and yes I bowed my head on Facetime lol) It makes me physically slow down + stop in my tracks and switch my thinking. Because sometimes when I don’t FEEL the spiritual balance, I begin focusing too much on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

–

So NOW I have developed this thing that helps me when my thoughts are swirling in the wrong way. And I feel myself looking around at the circumstances instead of who can fix them for me. I stop & literally say out loud, “don’t forget to look up Nikki”.

–

My message in this is-when things start to look difficult + unrelenting around you, stop, lift your head, breathe and look up. There you will find your answer. ❤️

–

#NikNaxx

Navigating through love & loss. Can they coexist?

When you are healing, you have to learn to get comfortable in being uncomfortable. That’s the only way to the other side. Deeply beautiful, raw & consuming emotions will come. Let them + process them.

That’s the only way to really heal.

The process is not linear-meaning there will be times of sadness & joy. Sometimes co-currently. People will disappoint you, people will trigger emotions in you that can cause you to get upset. And that’s ok. They are human, and so are you. Take things one day at a time. Write down your thoughts, & come back and reflect on them. Talk it out with a trusted friend and/or your therapist.

If not, you will continually suppress the deep emotions that are trying to teach you how to truly let go and be happy. And if not addressed: they will re-present themselves with other people, situations and experiences-until you are ready to move forward.

Love & loss + fear & ambition can coexist.

Just keep moving forward.

And give yourself some grace too.

Nikki ❤️

hustle & grind culture + vulnerability got me here, and I hate it.

I heard something the other day, “transparency is being honest about what you are going through, and vulnerability is sharing how you felt going through it”. And all I could say is, “wow”.

Being a creative can sometimes put you at a crossroads of, “do I write/create and share because I FEEL like I want to? Or do I share what I’m creating because I think PEOPLE are entitled to still follow my journey no matter how I feel?” At this point, I’m choosing the former, because anything else feels like a pressured performance.

I have a real question: where would you really be in life without social media? Would you be further along in your self discovery journey? Figuring life out without the distraction of what someone else is doing? Would you be worse off in your mental wellness? Or better? Are we really being intentional about the things that we feed our spirit with? Or are we literally scrolling our lives away in comparison to someone else’s very curated online journey? Are we being our authentic selves, or merely mirrors of what we see others doing/being online?

It can be hard to decipher when our daily habits include incessantly moving our thumbs across the 6 inch screen while drinking our morning coffee or in the grocery check out line. Unconsciously taking in hundreds of bits of information before we’ve even allowed ourselves to be conscious of what we already knew from the day before. A literal reel of events that may sometimes never seem to end, because we’re picking up from where we left off the night before where we scrolled until we tired.

Some of us need to be connected to promote and accept business for our “brand”—but at what time is the break allowed without missing business opportunities or purchase? “Hustle & Grind culture” pushes this agenda of “get the bag at all times”; and to that I say, “hell nah.” With no other explanation. BUT if you are a “one-woman-show I.E. an-overly-independent-person-that-is-afraid-that-no one-else-will-do-it-right”. What happens then? Humph, what a conundrum.

Recently I caught up with a friend at my studio, and she told me that she had been off of social media for close to four years. We literally had to exchange photos of our children by email. And it reminded me how we take for granted that sometimes not sharing the sacred things in our lives online—for public consumption, can be very helpful to our overall well-being. And I really admire people that do that so well. Especially those that actually enjoy social media, but often take extended breaks.

We have watched people live their lives in front of us on display for many years, as evidenced by our Facebook memories. Sometimes we think that we really know people or their children, just by watching them in a state of voyeurism for years. And most times we think that we are entitled to continue to know people’s ins and outs of their daily lives and their relationships, too. Even when they choose to no longer share it.

For this reason, I have changed my thoughts about “transparency” when it comes to this, because at the end of the day, it can walk the fine border line of over-sharing. And there is always a cost to that. Even if you can write an entire book that encapsulates it. Because sometimes things are just for you.

I love being a creative. I enjoy my life. But I won’t lie, sometimes my belief that GOD’s sense of humor + unmatched life lessons cause me to seriously believe that someone had a personal vendetta from my former life. Anywho, I’ve shared online about these experiences for over 10 years; the ups, downs & plateaus too. I love that people have resonated with my words; I appreciate all of times they’ve shared about the impact—-but for now I’m taking a break from it all until I’m ready to share again… and when I do, it will be to a different tune.

—Ya girl Nik ❤️